I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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