I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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