he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
