I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
