You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
