I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Randomize
