I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Verdict: uncircumcised.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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