Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
