i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
