I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.