Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
