my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
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I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
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If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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