his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
