Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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