Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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