I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
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You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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