im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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