im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
