Cold hands, warm shart.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I deserve this hangover.
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