my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
