Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
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That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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