I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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