woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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