my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
