how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
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I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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