It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
