Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
