just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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