Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
