I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
