I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
