You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
