Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?