it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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