you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
