before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She's the barista slut.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize