just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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