dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
