I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
