My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
