Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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