i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
