he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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