so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
