My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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