My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
