a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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