hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
