we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Blood and glitter go together right?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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