Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
