This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
