i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
