Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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